All I Have To Do Is Dream
Sunday, August 29, 2010 at 10:33AM
David Roberts

Now some people will say that I'm blowing the story by telling you up front that its a dream.

Lets get something straight right now. I hate stories that end with “And it was all a dream.” I stopped watching the TV show “Dallas” for that very reason.

I will also point out that I live in the state of Utah, in the USA, and as such, I know a lot of Mormons, more correctly know as Latter Day Saints, or LDS.

LDS is a mystery to many people outside the church. I myself have tried to understand some of their ways, but I'll admit that there are some things that absolutely escape me. Especially thier conserns about underware and deserts.

Now, with that exposition out of the way, lets talk about the dream.

I was with some non Mormon friends at an LDS Mall. Dream remember? I get separated from my friends and realize that I'm in a line to get baptized into the church. I try to point out that this is a mistake but no one is paying any attention to what i say.

Suddenly I'm on a big pedestal like stage, with a rather attractive woman, who tells me to loosen my pants.

Before I can say “excuse me” an older lady pours a large glass of cold water on my head. Before I can react to this the younger woman yanks at the small of my back, thus opening my trousers at the rear.

She then takes a large bowl of lime green jello, and pours the contents down the backside of my pants.

The next thing I know I'm lead out into the hallway with a a pant load of sticky desert on my backside., walking around the mall, looking for a men's room, and wondering “Is that fruit slices I feel?”

Then the dream logic kicks in. I understand three things about Mormons that always alluded me. First, why they are so secretive about their rituals ? Well, would you tell anybody that your church does this. Hell no! And now the hole underwear thing makes sense. If you don't know what I'm talking about, Google “Mormon Underwear.”

And finally, I now know why, at every funeral, every wedding, every birthday party, every function where two or more Latter Day Saints meet, they serve Jello. Lime green, with little bits of fruit. 

Article originally appeared on Buffalodavid Speaks! (
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